Talking to loved ones about their will or end-of-life planning can be challenging. Many people don’t like thinking or talking about the end of their lives, and discussions about money can be hard. These topics are deeply emotional and can stir up long-held feelings or strain family dynamics.
Nevertheless, they are some of the most important conversations you can have with your family members. If you know that a loved one doesn’t have a good estate plan in place, or if it needs updating, here are some tips for talking to them about it in a constructive way.
Do
Frame estate planning positively: Emphasize that thorough estate planning is a loving thing they can do for you and the other members of your family. Knowing what they want at the end of their life and afterward will relieve you and your family of hard decisions at a tough time.
Focus on support at the end of their lives: Explain that an estate plan is more than just a will, and these documents don’t just apply after death. The real strength of an estate plan comes while they’re still alive – at the end of their lives. Powers of Attorney and Living Wills (Advance Directives) come into effect when someone is still alive, but unable to make decisions for themselves. Neither the Medical Power of Attorney nor the Financial Power of Attorney survives after death. These documents smooth the way in difficult situations and mean that not only does your loved one know their wishes will be carried out, but also their family doesn’t have to second-guess what they would want. It leaves no room for uncertainty or family arguments.
- Powers of Attorney: These are legal documents that allow someone else (an agent) to act on your (the principal’s) behalf. There are two types of Power of Attorney:
- Financial Power of Attorney: This involves managing financial affairs. This document is critical in avoiding the financial exploitation of an older person. Instructions within it can also help pay for care and ensure that bills continue to be paid.
- Medical Power of Attorney: This gives the agent the power to make medical decisions on the principal’s behalf. It is crucial to have one of these in place so the right people make the right medical decisions.
- Living Will or Advance Directive: This allows the agent under the Power of Attorney to know exactly what someone wants in certain situations, such as what medical treatment or other care they would or would not want if they become too sick to speak for themselves. Unlike a will, which only comes into effect on death, a Living Will applies when the person is still alive. Nowadays, there are also specific conditions around COVID mentioned in the Living Will.
Make sure the right people are making the decisions: Choosing who should be the agent under a Power of Attorney is a critical decision. If there isn’t a suitable person within a family to be the agent, or there is the potential for family arguments around who the agent should be, you can find a third party to be an agent. I work closely with affordable third parties who can be agents in these circumstances. These are independent, bonded third parties who are neutral and can step in to help families get their ducks in a row.
Understand your responsibilities: If you are going to be the agent of a Power of Attorney, a personal representative executing the will, a conservator, or a guardian, make sure you fully understand the responsibilities of the role and seek legal advice to ensure that you are following all of the rules correctly.
Don’t
Force them to do anything: Do not force your family member into creating an estate plan, or any of the documents within it. None of this should be done under force or coercion. That by itself can lead to accusations of undue influence and bring significant problems down the line. Someone in the family could choose to contest the will on these grounds.
Focus on the money: Do not make it seem like creating an estate plan is a way to get access to that person’s money, or get control of it. This could make them very resistant to the idea of creating an estate plan or handing responsibility to someone else to make decisions on their behalf.
Abuse your powers: If you are the agent of a Power of Attorney, guardian, or conservator of a family member, do not use any of the funds available to that person for your own benefit – it is for their benefit alone.
Let your loved one be vulnerable: Do not let your family member fall prey to financial exploitation (elder fraud). Unfortunately, it’s something that I see all too frequently. Be alert for signs of bullying, coercion, or isolation of the older family member. These are common signs that someone might become vulnerable to financial exploitation.
If you would like help getting started with these conversations, we have a blog covering the essential estate planning questions to ask before you create your will. We also have the questions as a handout for you to bring as prompts to the conversation.
On November 19th, we are holding a free webinar on this topic: How to talk to your family about estate planning. Register here to reserve your spot.
